I’m really trying this time. I have been sticking with this for over a month and that makes me think that I’m going to just keep going. But here’s my big, bad secret:
I use diet pills
Shameful, I know! I’ve had an on-again-off-again love affair with the extremely potent caffeine/diet pill “Stimerex” for the past 5 years. Now I’ve never been on adderall, but I think this must be how that feels. It gives me such a jolt of energy that lasts all day, PLUS completely eradicates my appetite for a good chunk of hours. I don’t use them every day anymore and hadn’t actually used them for over a month, but sometimes I really need a push. Some days I just can’t get full and this really helps me take the edge off. But I worry. I KNOW that I shouldn’t be using them. I do. I should be accomplishing everything on my own and it SHOULDN’T be easy. And I definitely don’t want to rely on a shortcut like this because sooner or later it will probably backfire. But this doesn’t stop me. I honestly don’t quite know what will.
BUT! I only used them for three days this week, including today. I’m using the excuse that I got around 4 hours of sleep last night and the night before.
On a positive note, I managed to squeeze mah bum into my new size 14 shorts from Old Navy, down from the 16. They’re still kind of tight and give me slight muffin top, but it’s an accomplishment. My 16s are much too big now, so that’s a big positive. I really, really can’t wait to be back to a 12. Once I get back into the 160 lbs range, I’ll start to feel more like myself again. I’ve never been over 160 my entire life until this passed year and I think I still see myself as that slightly thinner girl. It’s weird to me to think that the entire time I’ve been with my boyfriend, he’s only known me at this weight. When I picture myself, I picture me at around 145 lbs, which is what I hovered around for most of my life. It’s not in an unhealthy way, it’s just how I’m used to seeing myself. But he’s never known that girl. I know he truly adores me and finds me very attractive, but I wonder if he’ll secretly be really pumped and more attracted to me the more weight I lose. I shouldn’t put it that way – the better shape I get in. I mean, it would only be natural to be more attracted to someone who is healthy and physically fit, it’s plain ol’ biology. But I also know that it probably matters more to me and I’ll feel more confident, therefore he may be more attracted to the more confident me. It could have nothing to do with size. I’ve already noticed how much better my attitude is because I feel more in charge of my body and my health since making the decision to join Weight Watchers. And while we’ve always greatly enjoyed certain *ahem* nighttime activities, our sex life has already improved just because I have more energy and I’m lighter.
Overall, I’m pretty happy with and dedicated to this lifestyle change. Despite the diet pills