I had my weigh in yesterday – 174.8. Not bad, not bad at all. But for some reason, I used this as an excuse to EAT EVERYTHING. I’ve discovered having candy – even the skinny cow chocolates – is too much. I can’t just eat one. At least the ice creams are more fulfilling and take longer to eat. I weighed myself today – 176.8. WOOPSIE. Hopefully I’ll lose it easily this week just by eating normally, but it really pisses me off to see my ability to piss away all my hard work. I know it’s part of the process, but I now have to spend time this week losing weight I lost two weeks ago. WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF? I need to go to the store and buy more frozen cherries and cool whip. I’ve discovered if you heat the cherries and cover them in cool whip it’s so desserty and not too bad for you mmmmm. I ALSO NEED TO WORK OUT. WHY CAN’T I MAKE MYSELF DO THIS?!?!?!? I’m going to the beach tomorrow, so at least it will be an active day. But on Sunday I NEED to start anew and work out. The weight, my body, everything will just be BETTER if I work out. My mood and hormones and everything too!!! It’s hard not to feel angry at the world when I can gain 2 lbs just like that after all my hard work. But again, I did it to myself. Sometimes it’s hard not to just sit and eat EVERYTHING. But, I do know I’m getting better. Things will get easier. AND I WILL WORK OUT!
I haven’t posted for a while. I had a .8 gain last week. Well that is, on Wednesday. I refused to even weigh myself on Thursday as I lost control Wednesday night. I kept to it the rest of the week and have been good this week, so I weighed myself to check in and I’m at 174.4. If I can stay there or lose more for this week, I’ll be very pleased. So let’s hope! I haven’t been working out like I should, but I make sure I walk for at least and hour a day, which is usually easy to do because of living in NYC and my commute. I’ve been taking the ferry home, which is a 25 minute walk after work and I like it. I’m wearing a dress that was too small for me right now and it’s still tight as HELL in the bust, but hey, I gots some big boobies. I still want to be around 160 lb for the wedding I’m going to on August 10th. That’s around 7 and half weeks away, so that is entirely plausible, but maybe too much pressure. If I actually started working out at least 3 times a week, I’d probably hit it! AHHHH INCENTIVES
So I crazily binged last night. I felt STARVING. Which again could be attributed either to the extreme consumption of alcohol on the weekend or the special lady time of the month that I am experiencing. But it was BAAAAD. Peanut butter, cheese, crackers, Cool Whip with frozen cherries, a Hershey’s cookies & cream bar that my friend left over my apartment – I ate it all! But I actually stopped before eating myself sick – usually I wouldn’t do that! So, that’s an improvement. I know I probably went about 20 points or more over my daily target, putting me 49 points over my activity and splurge points. But here’s the weird thing – I weighed myself as sort of a punishment for my sins and I was actually down from my previous post binge weight of 176.8. I am 175.8 lbs. I am sort of confused as to why this is happening. I can only assume that because I was eating SO many more calories before and the quality of the food was just about a step up from styrofoam that my body is responding to the better quality of food in a lesser (though still large) quantity. It could also be that the weight won’t show until tomorrow, I remember reading once that you have two days to burn off the food you eat. I have only worked out once this week (my Weight Watcher weeks are Thursday to Thursday), so I have plans to go to the gym with my friend tonight. Hopefully she won’t try and flake out as she is staying at my apartment and that would leave me in an awkward situation. I’m afraid if I don’t work out, I’ll have a gain for my weigh in tomorrow! I’m going home for the weekend for my mother’s birthday/Father’s day, so that will either be a good or bad thing. Good in the way that I won’t be drinking, bad in the way that we’ll probably go out to eat. I really, REALLY need to stay on track better. I have a wedding in around 60 days and I’d like to realistically be about 10-15 lbs lighter by then. I need to work out more!! WHY IS IT SO HARD?!?! I usually try to work out in the morning or else I just won’t go, but it’ll be hard to tomorrow morning since my friend will be there. If I get her to work out tonight, I doubt she’ll be into the idea in the morning. I suppose I’ll just have to do a video or something in my bedroom while she sleeps – that is if she lets me sleep enough tonight! I’m excited for the weigh in tomorrow simply so I can kind of start over, with new points and a new chance to do better. That’s something I love about the program- even when you fall, you really can get right back on that wagon.
I shouldn’t drink so much because now I’ve been left HIGHLY unmotivated. Also, because of my great weight loss last week, I’m paranoid about a gain this week. I know I just need to push through. But I’m already 29 points over my splurge and activity points. I need to work out more this week to balance it, but dammit! Drinking ruins my points. I’ll have to eat really well today and tomorrow to prepare for the weigh in on Thursday morning. I also need to work out tomorrow morning since I failed to do that today – I blame my boyfriend since he was staying with me. But that’s ok since he’s good company. I also have my uhh women’s time this week so I think that could be effecting everything. Maybe that’s why my appetite is so wonky. I’ve been eating Amy’s Light and Lean frozen meals and they are YUMMY. I add a little extra cheese to make myself happier and I don’t feel bad! I’m trying to eat all natural and organic as much as possible. My mother sent me an article saying that Lean Cuisine just came out with a line of “Honestly Good” all-natural organic frozen meals but unfortunately, nowhere near me (IN NEW YORK CITY!) is selling them so far. I’ll have to stalk some down. I can’t let myself get discouraged though, I’ve been doing so well and I know how great I’ve been feeling. I don’t want to slide backwards! I’ve coupled this post with the most recent picture of me – as good as I feel it was still shocking to see how big I look. I guess I haven’t had many pictures taken in the past year, so each one is kind of a surprise. BUT STILL, LOOK HOW HAPPY I LOOK! (Sorry about the Debbie Downer post)
So I didn’t post yesterday due to a MASSIVE hangover. Classy, classy. Wasting so many points on alcohol for the passed 2 weeks hasn’t been good. I did burn 10 activity points on Saturday, so at least that helped. But geez, still not good. Need to stop.
Yesterday, I spent the majority of the morning sliding into a horrible wave of nausea and headaches. I also had a huge craving for sugary drinks – my guess is because alcohol is a sugar and it helps the hangover to add some sugar in? I gave in because I was just happy to be able to ingest anything. I ate half a ham, tomato, and mozzarella baguette sandwich, an apple juice, a cherry lemonade, a cherry lime rickey, a creamsicle milkshake, a banana smoothie, salt baked fingerling potatoes with bacon and sour cream, and buffalo wings with blue cheese dressing. Worst eating I’ve done in a month. I weighed myself just to see what damage I’d done and I’m at 176.8 after being at 175. Not too bad, definitely should just melt away now that I’m up and walking. I made sure to track it as best as I could, so I’m already over my points for the week – meaning I gotta up the work outs.
Saturday I took a body bootcamp class and I AM STILL SO SORE. I could keep up a good deal, so that was encouraging! I should try and work out a bit tonight, we’ll see if that happens….
5’4″ 175 lbs
Waist: 37″ ( -.5″)
Hips: 43″ (-1.5″)
Thighs: 24″ (-1″)
Arms: 12″ (-1″)
So a lost everywhere but my bust. Which, hey, if I’m gonna hang on to the weight anywhere may as well be in the tig ol’ bitties. WOOHOO!
Bust: 44.5 (no change)
So I haven’t been going to the meetings since my first one, but I actually think I’m going to try to go every week. I popped into one during my lunch break and it really has the helpful AA vibe that I need. I just need to be honest with everyone and everything this time and it’s great to be surrounded in that judgement free zone. I’m still weighing myself Thursday mornings at home, but the meetings remind me and re-inspire me to keep on track. Plus I like being able to brag about my weight loss and have people applaud. It’s unfortunate, but I don’t really have anyone to do that to. All my friends for the most part are very thin, so when I tell them I’ve lost weight, while they are supportive, they can’t really appreciate how hard it was for me and how much work it took. Plus, I can’t help feeling like kind of a loser (my middle school mindset creeps in there) for having to lose weight in the first place. I have one friend who is my size and while that’s great because we get to make “this is why I’m fat” jokes with each other, when I asked her to join Weight Watchers with me she flat out said “that won’t work for me” as soon as the words left my mouth. It was frustrating to hear that, but I do understand – she hasn’t reached her breaking point yet. One day you wake up and you know you NEED to make the change and you know that you CAN do it. It’s different for everyone. But my point is – I don’t feel right telling her about my weight loss because I can see the pain on her face when she tries to be happy for me.
That’s where the meetings come in. I can exclaim that I fell off the wagon and have everyone laugh with me and share stories of when they have too. I get advice from people that I actually want to hear – not the usual “if you want to lose weight then blah blah” stuff that people who have never struggled with their size seem to love to spew at me. And I can go during my lunch break. Which is a nice bonus. Plus, I’m paying for the goddamn meetings. Mama’s not made of money, yo